We all come from something, imperfections and all

A therapist of mine once called me a “hero child”. I have spent the last couple years trying to wrap my mind around this concept and to understand what it means. Her belief was that I was able to rise above the turmoil in my life and become something better for myself and for my younger sisters. We have all heard about the trend of how abuse/addictions are passed on to the children who grow up to become the same way or end up picking mates who are similar to the offending parent. The flip side is this “hero child” scenario where the circle is broken.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty happy childhood, I was never abused in anyway. I learned most of my morals and life skills from my mother and I very naturally slipped in to the pseudo-parent role, simply because of the lack of a strong father figure. My co-dependency developed from being the oldest child and feeling very protective of my sisters when they were the brunt of my dad’s physical and verbal anger. I imagine I escaped his “discipline”, because I rarely misbehaved and was almost 7-years-old when he married my mom. They divorced when I was about 16-years-old. I was upset, but I don’t think I really knew why at the time; perhaps I figured it was the appropriate response to learning about your parent’s not wanting to be married anymore. Now that I am older and have had many therapy sessions on the matter, I realize it was pent up frustration and hurt at not being able to do anything about how he treated my sisters and mother (and our pets for that matter). And so began my habit of being in long-term relationships (two, to be specific and not including my current marriage) where I obsessively tried to “fix” their shortcomings. As painful as both of my past relationships were (boyfriend #1 was a chronic liar and a cheat, boyfriend #2 was an alcoholic/addict), I have learned quite a bit about myself and the world, which has prevented me from hurting the people I have in my life now. We all have to experience mess ups, so I am glad it was them and not anyone I hold dear to my heart now.

Boyfriend #2’s drinking problem went beyond out of control while we were living in Bozeman, so not only was I dealing with my enabling of his addictive behaviors, I was also trying to nurture an unhealthy relationship with God (oh, and finish my degree). Since I was away from any true support, I turned to counseling, but only after I had a major panic attack. I took that as my body telling me it could not function with my current mental state at that point in life. I was never opposed to therapy; hello, my degree is in psychology, but I was determined to live life without help. I was so busy trying to fix everyone else’s problems; I neglected my own well being. Not taking care of oneself is a problem everyone has, but codependents are experts. Eight months post-panic attack I was beginning to feel fed-up with being in Bozeman and with BF#2. My pivotal moment came when I picked him up from the bus stop after his 28 day stint in rehab. He was sober, but still the same, because he had picked up a new addiction, cigarettes! Two weeks later, he was drinking again. My conclusion from my therapy sessions was that BF#2 was not my problem. He was never going to change unless he really wanted to. I had to be crazy to stay with someone like that, so I high-tailed it out of there and never looked back. Once I got to Cali, I immersed myself in counseling and family; I saw the problem in me and was going to fix ME for a change.

My therapist and I decided a couple months ago that I should try dealing with things on my own; now that I have all the proper coping skills (I seriously have a plan for “coping in case of ____” next to the bed). Some people think therapy is for crazy or really mentally disturbed people. I would say they have never utilized a counselor’s services and can, therefore, not make an accurate assessment. I am grateful for all I have learned and continue to learn about myself and my place in the world. My next character issues to tackle are my father issues and my relationship with God, which curiously have a lot to do with one another! I think everyone has some crazy in them; it is just a matter of having the courage to face your demons and find yourself. Be your own hero.