Like water in my lungs

I am entirely too opinionated for my own good.

I have decided most of my relationships fail, because I have such a volatile personality and never seem to play well with others. Things are usually fine for a few months and then the Crazy rears its ugly head and they think twice about sticking around. I suppose I can't place blame; I don't like to be around me sometimes either. I am beginning to think I just can't be tamed.

Mental health issues run in my family history, so that certainly crosses my mind from time to time, prompting self-diagnosis. I find talk therapy helpful, but I do not want to get stuck in a medication cycle for symptoms that are a product of a shitty time in life. I have family, occupational, educational, and social supports, effective coping skills, acceptable sleep hygiene and I eat well and stay active....Despite all of this, there are times I get so overwhelmed, I retreat into my shell, the tears come and I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. Lately, I seem to be having more difficulty pulling myself out of these funks.

I think the bigger issue is how unhappy I am with where my life is now. I am angry all the time about getting married and divorced, wasting time finishing prereqs for med school and now being too busy to study, because I am trying to make enough money to survive. I feel stuck and alone, like there is no one who understands, which I suppose is cliche and dramatic.

It is so easy for me to focus on the negatives of life, because they are running rampant like breeding rabbits. The tasks ahead of me are daunting and seem impossible. I just want a little relief, but I am not sure how to get it, because I can't relax or take anything off my full plate. My head is just barely above water, with pinpoint light at the end of the tunnel.