Compression

Dubstep, rain, and popcorn. Three things I should not be indulging in right now, because I should be spending time studying for the MCAT. I have this sinking feeling, right below my sternum, that procrastination will be my downfall sooner or later. There's nothing I want more than to be in medical school studying all the things I love, but I am beginning to wonder what my behavior says about that desire. Part of me believes I will always be stuck living paycheck to paycheck, trying to make the tattered ends of my life meet.

There's pressure from all sides, compressing my brain until I just can't fucking breathe. I can handle loads of stress and maintain my emotions; the epitome of all my jobs....but when it comes to sitting alone with my thoughts and fears, the walls compress a little tighter, a feeling which is almost unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I am just one coping skill away from a breakdown and often contemplate how I have lasted this long in life without needing medication or extensive therapy.

I am coming out of my skin when I am awake and having nightmares when I sleep. I fill up my life with work and things I love...only to avoid the real issue: discontent. There's not much worse than feeling stuck, with the clock ticking in the background. My fears are intricately entwined with my dreams. Family, medicine, mental health - I can't have them all, at least not in the way I want them. The fact I would choose medicine over a relationship and have seriously considered not having children because I will be too busy, makes me feel like a robot. How can I want something so badly, yet have such rough time following through?

Perhaps the best thing to do is see where med school applications go. Worst case scenario, I have to reapply next year and can spend that time working and enjoying the people in my life. I get so caught up in what I need to do, I tend to pass by the things that are really important; being happy with myself and celebrating where I am now along my path.